I’ve always loved listening to music. I almost always have some sort of music playing in the background, no matter what I am doing. Music is such a powerful thing; it brings people together, evokes emotions such as happiness and nostalgia, and is a way of sharing experiences and connecting with others. I often find that music puts things that I don’t really know how to say or share into words. There’s so many songs that I feel like I can relate to in some way. And so many songs that bring back memories. The songs I chose for this playlist are some that I think best showcase who I am, but honestly, there’s so many more I could’ve added. While I did try to split the songs into the past, the present, and the future, the lines between the categories aren’t that clear cut. Then again, that’s kind of the case with life; many things can overlap and it’s difficult to find a situation where there is a definitive right answer.

Spotify link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3Sx8VD06YjAVrwASWBm6iH?si=FsQaVUUHR2C4qGewbFNXfQ 

“Whispers in the Dark” by Purrple Cat and “Living in the Shadows” by Lionel Yu: I’m going to start with these two songs because they are how I created my blog title and url. To be completely honest, I found these titles by scrolling through some of my playlists and jotting down names that seemed interesting and matched the general feeling I wanted my blog to have. “Whispers in the Dark” is a lo-fi song and to me, it represents the ideas and thoughts floating around in my brain when I am trying to fall asleep. For some reason, as soon as I try to go to sleep, my brain decides that it’s a perfect time to come up with ideas and scenarios. Because of this, I tend to write more in the evenings as well. Words just seem to flow better when I write at night. Lo-fi music is also kind of special to me because it was first introduced to me by one of my closest friends, so having that personal connection in my blog’s url felt right. “Living in the Shadows” is a piano piece and when I listen to it, I feel like I can really hear the anguish and pain of someone who is being contained by some force, a shadow, and while they’re doing their best to get free of it, they never can. A lot of the time, I don’t really share what’s going on in my life with others, so sometimes it feels like I’m in that situation. Just me surrounded by shadows and separated from everyone. Often I do feel that frustration and anguish of not being able to break through these shadows that I know are limiting me. For me though, these shadows aren’t necessarily external factors; they’re more internal, so no one else can see them. This leads me into why I chose the quote “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth,” by Oscar Wilde. Like I said before, I don’t really often share what’s going on in my life, especially in person. There are definitely people who I do share with, but even so, it is usually through writing. And honestly, there are still parts of me that no one gets to see. I’m almost always wearing some sort of mask, although some people get to see a more authentic version of me. Really, writing is my mask. While in person I’m shy and fairly awkward, in my writing I’m able to share things more clearly and more authentically. Writing helps me feel like I’m presenting a more authentic version of myself, rather than a version that I’ve carefully crafted to present to others.

Past

“Girls Just Want to Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper: When I was in elementary school, I used to do dance, at one point even competitively. This song was one of the songs that my group and I danced to when I was first starting. It was a tap dance and while some people in that original group changed, a lot of them remained in future years. Looking back, we shared a lot of fun times that have now become fond memories. Even though I don’t do dance anymore, it was still a big part of my life for many years, so I think that it has impacted who I am today. For example, I do still dance on my own; sometimes I’ll just turn on some music and let loose. While I can’t necessarily say that I’m good at it, I still enjoy it and it makes me happy. Maybe dance also helped foster my love of music. I know that many songs, including this one, remind me of the time I spent at the dance studio or at competitions among friends.

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey: This is another song that is connected with a specific memory in my life. I play piano and a couple years ago, three other girls and I learned this song to play at a recital. It was a very interesting experience because I had never really played any duets before, let alone quartets. Obviously piano is usually played by a single person, so having to play with another person on the same piano and also having to coordinate with a second piano with two more people was a bit challenging at first. With practice, we improved and we ended up performing it a couple separate times. I know that if I had another opportunity to do something like this, I would definitely take it because I really enjoyed playing with other people and creating something beautiful. Whenever I hear this song, I’m reminded of all the times we met up to practice and the feeling of succeeding not by myself, but with the help of others.

“The Climb” by Miley Cyrus: Maybe this is a kind of cliché song to add to a playlist about my life because everyone goes through and overcomes challenges, usually succeeding, so a song about overcoming challenges is really not that specific to me. When I added this song, I did have a specific thought in mind though. To me, it represents my journey with fencing. I started fencing about six and a half years ago, and ever since then, I’ve been training and improving. I think that the lyrics of this song that say “There’s always gonna be another mountain / I’m always gonna want to make it move / Always gonna be an uphill battle / Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose” do a good job of describing my journey. When I first started, obviously I wasn’t great. Like anything, fencing takes practice. So at first, even at small, local competitions, I lost a lot and was usually closer to the middle or the bottom of the list. Eventually, I improved and my results at competitions improved as well. At local competitions I started to get on the podium and beat opponents that were older and more experienced than me. Local competitions were the first mountain that I had to conquer. In grade eight, I went to my first national-level competition with participants from all over Canada, and it was definitely overwhelming. Like with local competitions, I ended up being in the middle or closer to the bottom. I kept practicing and I went to more national-level competitions, and even one American competition, and I improved. In grade nine, one of the competitions I went to, I won bronze in my age category. This is honestly one of my greatest achievements (so far) and I know I’m still improving through hard work, so it’s not the limit of what I can achieve. Like the song says, “Keep on moving, keep climbing / Keep the faith” and I know my fencing journey is still going, that there are still mountains that I will climb in the future. 

“It’s Okay” by Clara Benin: About a year ago, I was feeling really burned out. At that point, honestly, there was maybe one person that I actually wanted to talk to and things that I usually enjoyed felt like they took a lot of effort and energy. Then, last March, everything was closed down. I know that at first I was relatively happy because I got the time to work on myself and get myself to a better place mentally. I think the lyrics “Is it okay if I close my eyes? / Is it okay if I take my time?” describe how I was feeling at the beginning of it all. I just really needed that time to take a step back from my life and just relax. It felt so surreal though, not being able to go anywhere or see anyone in person. Like the song says, “Isn’t it ironic, this used to be a holiday scene”. Being at home and not really going anywhere is always something I associated with holidays, even if it was subconsciously. This just completely changed my outlook on life. Now, almost a year later, looking back at everything that has happened, the lyrics “We won’t be the same / I’m forever changed” really hit close to home. I know that I’ve changed so much in the past year and everything that has happened will always stick with me in some way.

Present

“Midnight Thoughts” by Set it Off: Like I said before, my mind always fills up with so many thoughts and ideas when I’m trying to sleep. I really relate to the lyrics “Close my eyes, but my mind / Got it’s own plan tonight” because often, I’m tired and I just want to sleep. Yet my brain manages to find something to overthink about or thinks of some idea or a completely unlikely scenario. And these ideas and thoughts don’t leave, or like the song says, “Latching to my brain and never letting go.” I’m forced to either accept them or try to drown them out, usually with music. The lyrics “So I start making friends with the noise in my head” show this. Sometimes I do give in to these thoughts, and I write or paint in hopes that my brain will calm down. Usually though, I try to drown them out with music. That way there is some other noise that I can focus on instead. This song also has some sentimental value to me. This band was first introduced to me by a couple of my friends. Last February, they came to Calgary and we were able to go see them live together. That day was honestly one of the best days of my life, and so this song will always have a special place in my heart.

“Mind is a Prison” by Alec Benjamin: This song has a similar idea; I sometimes feel like I’m trapped inside my mind with my thoughts and I can’t really escape. The lyrics “Sometimes I think too much, yeah, I get so caught up / I’m always stuck in my head” are accurate. I overthink a lot of things. Over quarantine, I took up journaling and I feel like it was helping to actually get my thoughts out and onto paper. For me, it was a way to escape out of my head, even if it was just for a moment. I think that’s one of my biggest problems; I tend to keep everything inside. Journaling definitely helps, but sometimes, especially at times when letting my thoughts out would probably be beneficial, I just feel so unmotivated. It’s as though my own thoughts are stopping me from writing down my thoughts. It’s at times like these that the lyrics “And they put me back in my cell, all by myself / Alone with my thoughts again / Guess my mind is a prison and I’m never gonna get out” are an accurate portrayal of what is occurring.

“Sorry Haha I Fell Asleep” by Egg: With this song, there is yet again a similar theme. This time, though, it is more about communicating with others. I sometimes overthink about how to reply to people and end up not replying to them. Especially with people that I don’t know as well. Like the song says “I don’t know just yet who you take me to be / And I don’t want to spoil your impression of me.” I feel like a lot of the time when I am overthinking how to reply, it’s because I don’t want to say the wrong thing or mess up somehow and end up with the person not wanting to talk anymore. The thing is, the more I leave off replying, the more people I need to reply to, which starts to feel really overwhelming and it’s just easier to not reply to anyone.

“the lakes” by Taylor Swift: I love to travel and honestly, sometimes I just want to run away to the mountains and live freely and not worry about things like school. Because of Covid, we haven’t been able to travel anywhere really and compared to how much we used to travel, I’ve been left feeling very trapped. With fencing competitions, we’d often travel over the weekend, usually just to nearby cities such as Red Deer, but it was enough to keep my feelings of wanderlust at bay. Another aspect of the song that I have thoughts about is the mentions of social media and technology. At the beginning of the song, there is a line that says, “These hunters with cell phones.” In my interpretation, this is referring to the fact that many people go around hunting for good photo opportunities and in our world, so many things are documented online. Personally, I have a love-hate relationship with social media. I really appreciate the fact that I can share things that I create, such as my art or my photography, with other people and connect with others easily. The thing is, social media is such a curated space that it can almost feel isolating at times. Everyone seems to be getting out and doing fun things and living their lives. In reality, this isn’t necessarily the case, but just scrolling through social media, that’s what you see. Thus it can feel isolating or as though you’re missing out on life. One of the lyrics in the song says, “A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground / With no one around to tweet it.” I feel like it would be so freeing to just step away from social media, even just for a weekend, and just appreciate life as it is.

“Slipping Through my Fingers” by ABBA: To me, this song is about growing older and losing my childhood. The lyrics “Slipping through my fingers all the time / I try to capture every minute” are about how I want to hold on to my childhood. The older I get, the more I realize that I don’t really want to get any older. I feel like time just keeps on speeding up and I didn’t savour my childhood enough. The days where I didn’t really worry about anything and I was free to play and have fun without having to worry about things like school and what I want to do in the future. The fact that I’m going to be eighteen in two and a half years just really scares me. I don’t feel ready at all, and especially recently, I feel like I’ve been trying to grasp and hold on to the carefree, childhood days. Yet they keep slipping away. Slowly, the responsibilities I have are growing and decisions that will impact my future are approaching. Except at this point, it’s not even slow. I feel like life is rushing by me. Honestly, the continuous march of time scares me. There’s nothing any of us can do to stop it; we’re all controlled by time, which is constantly ticking.

Future

“Unfold” by Marié Digby: As I said before, I often don’t share aspects of myself and my life with others. My writing is another thing that I don’t often share. I feel like my writing has pieces of me in it so it still feels personal, even if it isn’t about me. The thing is, I do want to share my writing. I love creating and sharing my creations with others, and writing is one way that I do that. It’s just there’s that fear that exists within me that stops me from sharing it. This song really captures that well, especially through the lyrics “And yet I shrink down to nothing / At the thought of someone / Really seeing me.” I’m hoping that with this class, I’ll be able to get more comfortable with sharing my writing and through that, become more comfortable with sharing aspects of myself. Not only that, also becoming more confident and comfortable with being myself. Just really unfold, and let go of some of the things I’ve been holding on to.

“Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera: I added this song because I’m still working on loving myself. I think the lyrics “Now and then I get insecure / From all the pain, I’m so ashamed” describe where I am at now. While I have definitely found some self-love and I do feel like I have become more confident in the past couple of years and accepted who I am, I still sometimes feel like I need to change aspects of myself. The journey to self-love is one I’m still on. I don’t know that the insecurities I do have will ever fully go away, but it is my hope that in the future, I can believe that I am beautiful and love myself for who I am.

“Spain” by Between The Trees: I want to fall in love one day with someone who loves me back and then travel the world with them. Whenever I imagine my future, I know I will travel because I can’t imagine living in just one city and never seeing all the beautiful things the world has to offer. I feel like sharing this experience with someone I love would just add to it and make it more special. Honestly, I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve imagined falling in love and running away with someone more than I’d care to admit. The lines “Let’s make our getaway just me and you, babe / The rest of the world can wait” really just show the love that I want to experience in my lifetime. Like being so in love that the rest of the world just doesn’t really matter.

“I Have a Dream” by ABBA: First of all, I’ve loved this song for a long time. I remember when I was younger, I would sing this song, along with other ABBA songs, and I always really enjoyed the dreamy feeling I got from this song. I have a dream. Well, I have multiple dreams actually. They do help motivate me and help me cope with whatever is going on around me. One of my dreams has to do with fencing. As I said earlier, my fencing journey is still continuing. Honestly, it is my dream to go to the Olympics. Especially with Covid, that dream has felt further away, but I really do think that it is something that I could achieve in the future. Another dream I have is to one day publish a book. I don’t want to be an author as a job, but I love to write and a lot of books have helped me cope with life. I want to be able to do that for someone. Both of these dreams feel far away and I know that neither of them will be easy to accomplish, but I really do think that I can accomplish them in the future.